Discipline: Losing Privileges & gaining Responsibilities

http://www.bing.com/search?q=preschooler+behavior+losing+privileges&FORM=AWRE

I was using Time-out and Time- in for discipline, without seeing immediate and gratifying effects.
So, my discipline approach has evolved to losing privileges. It’s AMAZING! Just mentioning the caveat of ” If you continue, you will lose a privilege.” Get’s J’s ATTENTION & He obeys.

For example, this morning he was avoiding getting dressed for school. I warned him if you don’t cooperate you will lose the privilege to watch a Thomas & friends Movie. He walked into the bathroom ready to get dressed. No more antics!

Last week, for the letter R we discussed RESPONSIBILITY. J has been informed his chores or responsibilities are to clean up after himself and to help me carry in groceries. He earns 75 cents a week. He is SAVING his money for a EDWARD train. He constantly talks about saving his money to buy his Edward train. ” I buy Edward!” “I have 1,2,3,4 to buy Edward!”

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Living in the Moment!

J has NOT been listening lately.

Last night, before he got out of the car I gave him clear instructions that I wanted him to walk next to me. “J you need to walk with Mom, hold my hand. No running. Walking Feet. Ok?”

He replied with a smile and nodded his head. Moments later he is laughing and running. He completely ignores me when I tell him to “stop his feet and wait for me”.

As a consequence he had to sit on the couch and listen to me explain the dangers. (I made it breif.)

We live in the desert. About 3 weeks ago I saw a rattlesnake in my frontyard. Last summer we had a mountain lion in our backyard (with pawprints bigger than my hand!). We have bobcats, javelinas, centipedes and scorpions who greet us at the front door (last Wednesday).

I don’t believe he is being disobedient to be defiant but he is impulsive, high energy and cheerful.

J is LIVING IN THE MOMENT. He is not thinking long term or consequences…just wants to have fun!

My other parenting issue is participation in circletime at the library. He will wander, climb under, run out of the room. He wanes in and out of participation. He will join in then start running around the room. When asked if he wants to or needs to leave because he isn’t following directions he request that he stays. He will join then go back to his own “program”.

Today, I gave him my expectations and told him if he didn’t listen at librarytime ; he wouldn’t be able to go to a second fun activity. He would be able to choose swimming, play at the mall, or park. He lost a 2nd activity because he was running around the room, climbing and crawling under furniture and ran out of the room.

Tonite, he listened walking holding my hand. He told me about the snakes. The other day we went to the museum and he got to see poisonous snakes and touch a local nonvenemous Sonoran King Snake.

This stage in his life I need some refresher courses in parenting classes and a toddler leash!

I keep reminding myself ” My only job is to make he feels loved & special and to allow his to foster and implement self-control, empathy, love for self and others.” So, however I react will teach him something positive or negative….

GROUNDED: UPDATE :)

J was grounded in his room for hurting Skyler.

He had had 2 previous timeouts; he seemed to escalating with bigger objects.

J was grounded to his room for a hour. I would check in on him, explain to him why he was in his room. I cuddled him and kissed. I explained my expectations of his behavior once he was released from his room. I provided snacks for him to eat.

He had a hard time being in his room. J would leave his room and I had to escort him back explaining ” you are grounded in your room for hurting others”.

After he was released from his room, he came and sat next to Skyler. He smiled at Skyler and said sorry. He gave him a hug.

He didn’t have any further incidents that day.

The next day, we tackled intimidation. J would grab stuff just to get a reaction out of Skyler. Skyler would grab his head and start crying.

I called J over to Skyler and asked him ” What kind of friend do you want to be to Skyler?” “Do you want to be a kind? comforting? gentle? or happy friend?” J chose to be a comforting friend. He began to rub Skyler’s back and smile at him. He hasn’t displayed any negative behaviors since. I will keep asking him what kind of friend he wants to be….because that seemed to work!

Grounded :(

I know grounding a 2year old is harsh. However, it’s all I got . I figure a natural consequence to hurting a friend is separation from that friend. J is a social butterfly. This social alienation is BIG for him. He cried…he doesnt cry for his 2 minute timeouts.

J is grounded to his room for a little bit for hitting his friend in the head.

To teach him empathy he had to hold the ice on his friend’s head with his dump truck.

His friend recieved a bump on his head from this; He is content because he gets to watch his favorite Dvd. Blues Clues Shapes & Colors.

Movies and TLC are the cure all for him.

Timeout position: AAIMHI

In 2009 the Australian Association for Infant Mental Health Inc. (AAIMHI) published the time out position paper, which arose from the AAIMHI’s concern at the use of time out by some parents and others caring for children in the community.

The paper refers in particular to the use of time out with children in the first three years, but many of the issues raised are also relevant to older children.

The AAIMHI aims, in part, to improve professional and public recognition that infancy is a critical period in psycho-social development; and work for the improvement of the mental health and development of all infants and families. The AAIMHI describes time out as ‘time away from a rewarding or positive environment as a consequence of some form of misbehaviour, usually for one to five minutes.’ According to this definition of time out, the child is also removed from the presence of, and/or interaction with, the parent or carer.

While there is research that supports using time out to control behaviour, especially for older children, this research does not address the emotional impact on the child. Developmentally, children less than three years cannot be expected to easily self-regulate their emotions. Therefore they need the presence of a caregiver to assist them with this process, rather than being separated from the caregiver. Children under three years may not have the developmental capacity to remember the connection between their behaviour and the response of the caregiver, especially if there is any time delay.

The AAIMHI’s position on responding to children’s behavior is informed by an attachment theory model of relationships. The use of time out with children under three years is inappropriate. The use of time out with children over three years needs to be carefully considered in relation to the individual child’s experience and needs.

AAIMHI concerns in relation to time out for children less than three years are:

• it does not teach constructive ways to deal with problems; instead it teaches sep
  • it deliberately cuts off the child from the relationship with parent or carer so that the child feels powerless to connect with the adult

  aration as a way to deal with problems

• it does not consider the developmental capacities of young children under three

• it does not address the cause behind the behaviour
  • it fails to recognise that young children do not learn emotional self-regulation by themselves; they need the support of a parent or carer. Reinsberg (1999) lists five points to consider in responding to a child:
• • Is this a developmental stage?
  • • Is this an individual or temperamental difference?
    • • Is the environment causing the behaviour?
      • • Does the child not know something but is ready to learn?
        • • Does the child have unmet emotional needs?

how to raise successful children: basics new parents should know

Urban Baby & Toddler Spring 2011

Barbara Colorosa

“3 tenets:

1. kids are worth it!

2. I will not treat my child in a way I would not want to be treated

3. If it works and leaves both child & parent’s dignity intact, do it!

Parenting without punishment:

Triangle of Influence: encouragement, feedback, discipline

Encouraging a child means 1 or more of these 6 critical life messages are coming through delivered by words or actions:

1. I believe in you.

2. I trust you.

3. I know you can handle this.

4. you are listened to.

5. you are cared for.

6. you are important to me.

Feedback enables tots to look at their expression of feelings, their behavior, and their deeds honestly & realistically.

3 C’S:

1.COMPLIMENTS

2. COMMENTS

3. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

Discipline gives life to a child’s learning the process of discipline does for things that the act of punishment cannot do.

STEPS:

1. SHOW CHILDREN WHAT THEY HAVE DONE WRONG.

2. GIVE THEM OWNERSHIP OF THE PROBLEM.

3. HELP THEM FIND WAYS OF SOLVING THE PROBLEM.

4. LEAVE THEIR DIGNITY INTACT.

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING IS ALLOWING CHILDREN TO EXPERIENCE THE CONSEQUENCES.”

A great Parent….Is A Great Role Model

“We all want our children to be responsible, compassionate, trustworthy, and kind. The best way to instill values is to be a strong and present role model.

Parents who demonstrate genuine sensitivity to a childs feelings and needs instill in him the ability to empathize with and care for others.

Values are taught during the ordinary interactions of everyday life. If a child likes and respects their parents values, he will adopt them and make them his own.”